The ideal (impermanence)

27-

The Ideal (Impermanence)  

And so…

I have lived the magic of impermanence

I have stayed in the inconstancy of doubt

I have enjoyed the fear of uncertainty

And the fact that time doesn’t wait for you to decide.  

So…

Watch her walk

Comply with her invitation to

Kiss her words, to

Lust after her thoughts

And to desire the essence of

The metaphor in her

Voice.

The ideal is the stroke of her

Lips against yours. But

That ends with the

Sound of the clock on the wall.

So then,

What is permanent?

What doesn’t end?

History. Memory.

But don’t get stuck in them.

You will live in the past.

Angry and alone.

Come back to us and recognize

That permanence is for books,

For the sky,

And for the ethereal in our minds.

Enjoy our human nature and cry

When impermanence renders your

Soul sad.

In the mean time,

Look into her mysterious eyes,

That give two meanings at a time

And

Declare your love.

Enjoy the moisture of

Dew on her petals

And see… the permanence of

Each moment that

Each morning gives.

The ideal is not permanent, I don’t think.

The ideal is enjoying the magic that

Impermanence can bring.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Control

8-

Control

How do I gain you

Over my emotions

Over my explosions

Over my pain

Over the craziness of my reactions

Over the stupidity of my words

Control

Come in and tell me

The secret that you told all the ones before

Who were able to eat and sleep

Who were able to live and breathe

With you present and alive.

Control

Tell me please! How do I achieve

To be in just the room where you sit?

How do I come near your presence?

How I steer temptation against my will?

Control

Teach me how to write again.

Teach me how to speak again.

I am desperate and I curl inside of me

Without you.

Control

Let me conquer you.

Let me be you.

Let me in.

Open the door for me.

Control

Why don’t you want me?

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

The Same

23- (Second version - First, never posted)

The Same

Take a moment

To breathe in the night.

Take a second to

See the streets.

I promise you

Will grow up

In a lighter place

Than I did.

I will fight for

Us.

I will make it all right.

It will be our despair

But our rights we will

Attain.

Walls of stones have made us strong.

You will bloom in the dark.

The memory of times

Gone by

Will remind us too late

That we should have

Fought long ago for it all,

Not just for parts of the same.

When your pillow takes your head,

You will hardly know this day.

You will think you had me one day,

But you won’t recognize my caress.

Like the sleeper of the valley,

I will rest by Mother Earth.

When you begin

To fall asleep,

There will be a moment

When you’ll twitch.

You will think it a dream

But it will be me,

Making you aware

That our lives did link.

Take care of her. She will need me.

 Align your words,

Think of a metaphor and

Write me a letter when you are old.

I will wait.

I’ll come back

From time to time to remind you of today.

In your dreams

You will see

How proud of me you should be.

The same. We will be same.

But not without long decades of

Hard games.

When you breathe deep,

Imagine that I am here.

Stretch your arms.

Lean back on the grass that I have

Seeded for you and think of me.

You will feel sad.

I already do.

If I come back, I will

Never read this to you.

I will enjoy every moment

That life will give us together.

I love you. I’ll see you in the

Morning light, where the

Fears await and where I

Can make things right.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Words

30-

Words.

Listen:

You begged for a kiss,

And when it came it was

Bliss,

And when our eyes

Spoke,

I knew I was

Done.

And then my tongue

Slipped and I tried my

Speech,

And when I did

It was cold.

I was lost.

What’s the use

Of speaking three

Languages if my

Lips freeze and my

Tongue slips when

I try to speak?

The words

you said

Carried your heart,

But I said nothing.

My thoughts creased.

I know how to say many words

But I can’t speak.

Please feel what I feel!

Never wonder if I love the crystal

In the light that glistens

In your eyes  

Each day.

Never wonder if I love the slight

Opening of your lips

When I know we are about to kiss.

Never wonder if I love the delicate

Slant in your eyes, peaking through

When our tongues meet.

Never wonder if I love that I childishly pull away

First,

So that you can retain me

For one second more.

Never wonder if your sensual touch

Has the power to withhold my speech

In every way known

To every human in this world.

Because it does.

What’s the use of speaking three languages

If when I am around you

I can’t speak?

My prose is all

Yours,

But my speech

Remains alone.

Look into my eyes and

Never wonder,

Because I can’t speak.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Take a seat

27-

Take a seat.

Take a seat…

Come with me.

I wanted to show you

How I really feel.

You are younger.

I am not.

But you enjoy

Every ounce of

My bones. 

Take a seat…

You are free

To love me just

Like I am.  

Don’t sit down,

If you think

You won’t come alive

In my arms.

Take a seat.

Lay me down.

Throw yourself back.

Let me touch you.

Take your clothes.

Glide them here.

I’ll take care

Of what you think

You need.

All the time.

All the patience.

Meet us here today.

Will you go with me?

Do we belong in this?

Can we choose a person

And make it work?

Or is it pre-determined,

Like religions taught?

Come with me...

I’ll sit down.

Can the periods of in our

Writing really slow us down?

It is prose: don’t run the commas,

Practice the semi-colons; and 

At the ellipsis, let me continue

To take your breath

Inside my lips

And bite your tongue

With my desirous teeth.

It’s a challenge

Not to do more.

But can we, please?

Not just tonight. 

I will fall. 

  

My heart decided,

As soon as we started,

That it could, against my will,

Take you all in.

Stay with me.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Yield.

26-

Yield.

Let the words go through me…

I never thought I’d want to be

With such a perfect being

In the story I have

Written of this life.

Slow we started,

Slow we love,

Fast we talk.

Nothing can stop

The flow of our words.

I am scared.

Let the words go.

If I say it, will it be

Enough for tomorrow?

I need to wait

To make sure,

Just so sure,

That I am ready to

Enter

In the contract

With harmony

And pain.

With love

And Jealousy.

With Anguish

And bliss…

…Again.

Or…

Could we just have fun

This time, without

Being angry at the

Stories in our lives?

Without brining in

The past?

Simply enjoying who

We are?

What life has made of us?

What we have learned?

Where we are today?

Why not?

Why compare?

What is this life made of

If not of chances

And risks

We are willing to

Take?

Stars, bless me tonight!

I have to try.

I have to see

If she’s for me.

Will I hurt?

Will we dance?

Will we stay?

Will it work?

Can we grow old?

Only one way to find out.

Heart! Take me through

It day by day.

Let it be

What it will be.

Let me be ready,

To endure the sweet surrender

That only a relationship

Knows how to

Breathe.   

For a single chance
I yield. Again.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Forbidden

25-

Forbidden

And now it’s me.

I made the sweetest tasting mistake.

The preaching.

The praying.

The avoidance.

Nothing could stop me from touching

Tonight.

I wanted to.

I knew it was wrong.

I knew we’d hurt someone

Although it was over long ago.

We had a choice.

We laid in bed.

We only touched.

Nothing more.

Emotions took

Place of our hands

And our imaginations

Ran away

With our touch,

With our hands,

With our reason,

And we touched.

Nothing more.

I didn’t feel your soul.

I didn’t feel your lips.

My fingers did not wander.

But I felt your breath

Take my breath away

While our faces contemplated

Too closely at all,

If what we were doing

Was wrong.

Was it?

Is there an inch of love

We can recuperate from

This night?

Can we be forgiven by

Touching the forbidden

And longing for

A brighter song?

For having a heavy and tender touch

Full of emotions ripped right from

The soul?

How much time do I

Have to wait to be

Your love?

Will you do the same

With someone else?

Or was it not wrong enough

To think that this could

Happen to us as well?

I will wait for now.

I want to.

I want to see

After time goes by,

And the gods forget

That we shouldn’t have,

What happens when

They realize

That we had wanted to do it

For longer than one night.

Now we just lean back,

Waiting for the forgiveness that

Our sweet and sensual mistake

Deserves and see, if one day,

The universe pulls us together again.

Patience, dear friend.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Dream

21-

Dream.

It was a dream, wasn’t it?

You weren’t really here.

I thought you were telling me,

How to fix myself.

How to look better.

How dared you?

How dared I?

We needed to live our lives.

One year of bliss.

One year of worry.
One year of hell.

Three regular years.

You wanted more.

In the end, you needed more.

All you had to do was tell me.

But on a note

You bid

Farewell to our three

Normal years.

And I?

Wept. Of course.

On a note?

You left endless wondering of a mind

That needn’t to be punished like that.

Coward.

At least I always said how I felt.

I guess you were not the right person

To tell? Who was I supposed to,

Sometimes in sorrow,

Trust with the hollow of

My worried mind?

Not you. I now that now.

I wish I had then. I was always strong.

Why did you have to wait?

A string that is long due to be cut

Becomes brittle in the end.

I had the right to hear it.

Do you think I didn’t know that

You longed for someone else

In your mind?

You were unfaithful.

You didn’t have to touch.

Turns out, a broken heart

Can break even more

When hit with the right note.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Twenty-four

24-

Twenty-four

I think I did love you.

I’m not sure I ever did.

Yet I know I did.

I could try to be sad

But why?

I don’t remember loving you.

They say I did.

They say I gave you all of my heart.

They say we had a life.

I could try to be sad.

The memory of our lives

Has gone by.

Under the stars, I wonder if I

Should be sad.

I don’t remember.

It was too hard.

Losing you was, they say,

Never in our plans.

I could try to be sad,

I could cut these flowers and

Throw them up in the sky to

Watch them fall like our love fell.

But I am not sad.

I know I loved you.

The pain was too deep.

My mind sailed away.

And now I’m back only to

Find out that I forget

How much I cared.

I could try to be sad, I could

Try to cry under the stars, but they

Say it was your choice. I think

I loved you. Maybe I still do. Do I?

I don’t know.

I could try to be sad for what we had.

My mind is lucid now. It went to Hell

And back. I could try to salvage what we had,

But why?

You left.

I could say: The stars are beautiful, my love.

Let’s go and sit outside.

I could ask: Why do your eyes shine so brightly?

Is it to make my heart this happy?

But I have forgotten what it was to love

In such a way.

I could take your hand and caress it around my face.

I could take your tears and dry them with my skin.

I could write about the time,

That I don’t remember now,

You gave me a ring under

The rain, kissing me and

Asking me to always stay.

I could write about many things,

But I’m not sad.

I don’t love you anymore.

But in days gone by, maybe I did.

This is the last time

I kiss you goodbye.

My hand and my pen will no

Longer meet with your name

In mind.

This is my last prose to you.

I promised my beating heart,

That the one who called herself

For so long

The love of my life,

Would be out of my head at last.

Did this really happen to us?

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

The Cabin

11-

The Cabin

I could only imagine that

The fields had flowers, but

I was inside the cabin

That I helped build.

I didn’t know there would be a lock within.

I had not clue the cabin was for me.

I didn’t think I wouldn’t

Be able to breathe.

But I could see the stars.

I didn’t know the color of the flowers.

I couldn’t smell their perfume.

But I knew they were there.

I laid. I woke. I ate. I laid again.

When I laid, I could see the stars.

Could I get out?

Come with me! You, who weeps to leave!

Turn a new page and turn the key to the

Door that will let us go! But... how can I leave?

The roof over my head, the security of my sheets,

The sustenance that I need, I had it all within.

But the flowers.... I could smell them.

Do I have to stay?

In between guilt and need, I found

A small well fashioned rod and I opened the door.

I saw the flowers. The stars were bright.

The air was crisp. But, now that I am here…

Should I leave?

If I step on that stoop, is up to you…

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Today

19-

Today

Do whatever you want.

Do it right away.

Don’t wait for another day.

Time to do.

Time to shine.

Let go of the bed.

Get inspired today.

Think about the places

You’ve wanted to go for ages

And get going right away.

Go! Don’t wait! If you wait,

You may never go.

Just look at Scarlet,

Red with anger,

Never gone.

Or, rest.

Give your feet a break.

Break the cycle of stress.

Take a nap and

Drink some wine,

But don’t deny that

You still feel deep inside

The demand of the sun

Asking you to get out today.

Follow your inspiration,

Don’t stay back. Silence the

Desires of the pull of the dark.

Open your eyes.

Fresh, brand new skies await.

I’ll go first.

Follow me.

One foot out; breathe right in.

Come on out. Don’t let the anger

Get you back down.

Don’t cry. It’s over.

Today it didn’t hurt too much.

She’s gone. You are alone.

It’s ok to miss her, but now you

Are free to whisper, how

Good it feels to be you today.

Smile.

Solitude isn’t that bad.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Caress

16-

Caress

Caress the air and touch the light,

Smell the wind that’s by your side.

Quiet… Here comes the storm.

Silence. She feels so soft.

No heart is lonely tonight. The rain

Accompanies your broken heart.

The sun smiles at your delightful existence.

The leaves dance for your eyes,

And the grass whispers to your ears.

On the night that she left,

The sky was quiet. I thought I was alone.

I asked for mercy, but

Absolution would not come.

She said ‘maybe’ and I begged ‘stay.’

But the rain was quiet,

And the air was gone,

And the wind had not scent,

And I thought I was alone.

I stared at the window

Hoping she would return.

But the air came instead to caress

My broken soul.

And the rain stopped its silence,

And the leaves began to pour

When my tears started to flow; and I realized that I

Was not alone.

Someone is always there, I thought.

Not who I expected,

But what better company than the

Stillness of your cries and the calm of your soul?

It hurts to be without her,

But I love being with me. For the rain

Will always speak,

The air will always blow, and

The wind will always bring its fragrance of time and old. 

Time to learn. Time to cope. Time to show

My bones that I can walk on my own.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Silk

13-

Silk

The silk of your speech.

I am lost within

The touch of your touch;

The skill of your fingertips.

I’ll die tonight a small death in the dark.

Whisper how tender your desire is for my skin.

Let’s go.

It’s time.

You and I could be

Walking along a bridge, smiling. Gazing.

But we didn’t want that first glance.

We wanted tonight.

We missed the first sweet kiss.

We skipped the smile and the flirting eyes

And we came here today.

No embrace, no words.

The touch of your skin will be my hello.

The caress of your hands will be our first date.

The approach of your hips will be our first kiss.

Your being in my soul will be our communion.

And in the morning, we’ll let go.

I wish you luck in your future life. 

Thank you and goodbye.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Learning

18-

Learning

I have learned to live in the present.

There are times I concentrate in the future.

Sometimes I think of the past.

And that is when I cry.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Little by little

17-

Little by little…

What if we had let the world flow?

I don’t like to write poems like these,

But what if we had fought a little more?

I lost you and you lost me, and together

We missed the opportunity to love

One another so sweetly and so deep, for

A lot longer than we did.

Too bad, my heart says.

Let it go, thinks my brain.

My limbs reach for you,

But my hands know it will just be air.

Do you think, perhaps, that

At one point, we will think:

What if we had let the world flow?

What if we hadn’t let go?

I really hope not.

I don’t want to think about you anymore.

I tried.

You let go.

It was I who fought until the end. It was

You who cried and walked away.

The night your voice turned cold,

My heart stopped its beats.

And now that it beats again, it misses you.

I can tell.

I feel weak.

But although I am sad,

In the end,

I was the one willing to fight.

I try to tell my heart that you are no

Longer for us, but it cries sometimes.

Time, I say. Give it time. Slowly, it heals.

But I think it still waits for you at night.

Never again, my brain tells my heart.

Careful, or you will not open up for anyone else.

Little by little, my heart listens, but it hasn’t been easy.

Tears no longer flow.

And hope slowly grows.

And my heart gently heals.

Knowing that time is what it needs.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Missed?

7-

Missed?

An arrow to the eye

A beating to the heart

An act of tenderness for the soul

And Cupid laughs alone.

Under his breath, he can’t help but

Whisper that once again he has me at his feet.

He rejoices and makes me weep,

Although happiness is all I feel.

On the 31st year of my life,

I was walking on a cloud,

Knowing that he was there,

Evading his every move,

Turning against the very arrow that had made me

Cry before for my love.  

I could see that he was there.

I noticed him in the smile of a quiet lady

And in the shape of a beautiful silhouette.

But not for me, Cupid. Not this time. Not yet.

He came close to me and tried to shoot, but he only got

My chest, close to my heart, but no cigar my dear winged friend.

Then I escaped far and hid in the mountains, but after a while

There he was again.

This time, he got my hand.

And I was more gentle than I had ever been to human kind.

And that is how I remained.

But he missed nonetheless.

I laughed. He laughed. We gazed at each other and before he tried again, I escaped.

I ran away to the sea,

And there he was, hovering over the waves.

I did not move and said,

To go ahead and aim at me.

He smirked at me, pointed to my heart

Then to my eye and as he aimed, I was petrified

For I was too familiar with the emotions that I was about to feel.

He lowered his bow.

He laughed. I laughed and we both said:

Maybe next time, then. And he frolicked away.

It’s my turn to begin the search for her again.  

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Revolve

9-

Revolve.

Let it revolve and don’t ignore,

            That this time is simply to mourn.

                         I am still in hell and I won’t return,

                                    Until I decide that I have had enough

                                    Of the sorrow that has consumed my soul.

I shook,

I trembled,

I stared at the wall.

In a dream I saw it all fall.

In a dream I knew that it was all gone.

Now I bang my head against the wall

Knowing what I could have done to change,

But recognizing that I did not have the strength to do so then.

The imperfect reckoning of knowing where you went perfectly wrong

And how to make it better tomorrow, will give you the peace to move on.

In my shoes you will walk,

But I promise that I will not let you fall.

I went through this to better my soul and to teach you

That you will tumble, but that I will be there to hold you in hell, while

You think that you’ll never see the light of your own soul again. Don’t cry, my love.

When you walk in these shoes, I’ll have been in mine for long.

                                                I promise that the pain does not last long.

                                                            I promise that this is where we belong.

Remember to tell your heart that this is how you learn, and try to be gentle to                                                                             yourself.

You will not walk in these shoes on your own.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

Alone.

6-

Alone.

On the 30^th year of my life,

It was my turn to weep.

It’s time, my love, said the wind.

It’s time to cry this year.

It took my love and hid it where

No one, not even she could see,

That the deepest part of my soul

Was right between the place

Where anger meets pain,

And forgetfulness meets solitude.

Alone.

I forgot to smile but

I remembered to hurt.

I thought of laughter but

It was a scary thought,

So I let it go and there it went,

Floating away in one of my tears.

In a country that resembles nothing that

I knew before, my laughter met my long lost love.

They remembered together when I used to feel

And lament how now I can only cope.

But here I come! Don’t worry, love! Laughter, hang on!

I am coming alone but certain, that the place where you went

Is where I really belong. In the middle of the lake that

Hosts our boat, wait for me with the whiskey of life and the rum of hope.

Here I come, where I belong

I come alone,

Don’t let me fall.

I hang on only to me this time.

And to you, my broken soul.

Let’s do it together.

Let’s both go, to the place where we know,

We won’t fall out of love.

Alone.

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro

The Girl in the Green

2-

The girl in the green (ode to AR).

Inside, justice, come with me.

Outside, grass, look at him; he wants to weep.

On the green, he goes to sleep.

He said it just for him.

I will say it to honor her.

Don’t sleep, darling. Watch the night. It will light up soon.

You will be home soon.

You will be safe soon.

Hold the metal steady.

Watch the night, please.

Watch the sky.

Squeeze your fingers tight.

Here comes the sound.

Go take the plunge.

We love you here.

The night awaits, the sky is red.

The morning comes, the sun will rise.

But watch the night,

It will end soon.

Put your face to the grass and

Leave your sword close.

Point it to where we should follow

And we will be along.

Tell me her name.

I will relay that it was her who lit the sky

The night your sword pointed to the hill

Where the moon was dark and the chill froze your dreams.

Under a tree darling, on the green.

That’s where we find him each time we read about him.

That’s where your place is.

Next to the history of the beauty of words.

That’s where you should be.

Now sleep alone only for a second,

For soon we’ll come and you will be prose,

And unforgettable you will become, my rose,
With us.  

©2012 Cassandra Huidobro